July 28th, 2024.
I'm not sure what exactly causes the feeling, but whenever I allow my brain to drift and think about whatever's weighing on it at the moment, Ialways begin to feel a pit growing in my chest. As if I'm waiting for something, or something is waiting on me. My brain wants my foot to move forward, but with no destination, I'm left paralyzed. No matter what point of my life I reach, I always feel like something is missing. It's as if I'm able to feel the weight of other realities that could've been mine had I made different decisions in my past. The crushing weight of what could have been, even though I do believe that the life I'm currently living is the best for me. It's funny how something so intangible, something only existing in my head, can have such a detrimental impact on my physical and mental health. It's a strange feeling to try and combat because I don't think I'm depressed right now and I'm financially stable for the first time in my life but neither of those things, which if I embodied I believed I would feel more content with my life, have brought me any sense of accomplishment or fulfillment. I wish there was a manual for your life that you were given once you turn 18 that tells you the life you were meant to live because searching for it is not for me.
Within the past two years, I have created countless things: this website, my blog, my album, the rest of my music, my dj sets, and so forth but I feel as though I'm still at square one. I'm still an amateur that doesn't know what they're doing. I can feel proud for myself but its as if I'm proud of someone else. The me that created all those things is not the me I am right now. Which is so strange because I remember creating everything but I still can't help but feel a sense of disconnent from my art. So my question for myself is, what next? If I continue down this route, I doubt my feelings will change, so I have to change instead. The only thing is I'm not sure what to do next. Deep down, I wish I could go to school. That feeling is also confusing though, as I'm not sure if its mine or nostalgia's.
Even though I just stated I'm not depressed, its obvious that that's what this must be. I've worked so hard to build this life for myself so it makes no sense why I'm unable to fully grasp that it is mine and its a good life to live. I should probably invest in therapy or medication sometime this year. The hardest part of all of this is asking for help, especially for someone as stubborn as me when it comes to accepting any. Something has got to change though. Feeling this way for much longer, going through the motions of each day, barely feeling any connection to the world around me, it's no way to properly live the beautiful life I have built for myself. I deserve better.
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