Ever since a young age, I have been burdened with extreme difficulty in "finding the words" in most if not all situations in my life. I have never been someone who had a large vocabulary or knew how to repair a conversation with others before I'm already trying to describe what I am trying to say by using vague terms and asking whoever I'm talking to if they know what I'm trying to say. Usually, the answer is either no or a suggestion of what I mean, which is typically wrong as well. This has caused me to keep what I can inside so that I don't mess up once I attempt to let it free from my mind and through my mouth. If I have to communicate something very important with someone else, I usually will go over the many lines of dialogue I have mentally saved in my brain over the years and splice up what I have in my deposit before I have something that sounds normal enough to say. I have always been drawn to writing though, specifically typing on my computer; I'm not sure what caused that when one of my biggest insecurities is my inability to use words correctly. There is no doubt that this is going out of my comfort zone, even if the only people who usually read my posts are close friends of mine. Letting someone into this side of me that I don't show a large majority of people that have lives intertwined with mine is terrifying to do, regardless of how comfortable I feel with the people I'm sharing this part of me with.

    There are a lot of different ways that I want to communicate how I feel with others, and while I understand that I am awful when it comes to speaking to others, I believe that there are things that I cannot do for certain. One of which is music. Music is not simply something that sounds beautiful and can remind you of a certain time of your life; music is another form of communication that utilizes instruments and written word that has been translated into beautifully vocalizing it to get what you have hidden within yourself across to those that you want to. Unfortunately though, while I have somewhat of an understanding when it comes to sheet music, I am completely lost when the use of lyrics comes in. Music written specifically for instruments without any vocal accompaniment has a completely different writing style than those pieces of music that do have some sort of vocal accompaniment. Since I have never studied how to write music for this genre of music, I have no idea what my first steps would be thus making it impossible for me to use this as a form of communication. That fact alone does not depress me though, because while writing and recording music is something that still is in the back of my daydreams, it is not something entirely that important to me. If something was to draw me to passion in some aspect of music, which it does, it would be performing beautiful pieces on my clarinet, but that is simply retelling another person's story so it doesn't properly communicate what is locked inside of me. I don't want to delve too deep into it, but the same could be said personally about art. I'm sure once I'm over my hurdle where I believe that everything that I artistically bring to fruition was nothing but a waste of time and a copy of others' style, that I'll be able to fully pour my essence into every art piece of mine that's brought into my world. I'm not sure when that day will come, so until then I will have to keep it in the back of my mind and wait.

    I want to ask you a question before we continue any further. How do you see the world? Genuinely think about it before you jump to mentally turn in your answer. The way that we perceive the world we exist in has a major impact on how we interact with it and those around us. Everyone's world is different from everyone else's world and only a few things have been able to properly show us the differences between two people's realities, and even then it is very doubtful we will ever be able to understand how every moment in someone's past has influenced their view on the current situation. No matter how much someone might consider themselves an "empath", there is truly no way to understand the deep and many layers that go into someone being alive. Our own existence cannot be touched or experienced by another, because of this I understand why there are so many forms of communication and even more subcategories for each. Each of us on this planet is so stuck on the idea that we have to live the perfect life that society has shown us that we need to have, even though no one knows don't know what it feels like to be called by your name and have all of the memories and weight that exist behind it be theirs. It's because of this, that I am constantly curious about the smallest details that could differ from my reality when the same scene is being perceived by another alongside myself. Even today when I went out to try and find the best place to watch the sunset near me, my mind wandered to wondering about how heartbreaking it is that no matter how many pictures I take of it, no one will have seen the exact same beautiful sunset that I saw. When I go to watch the sunset I think of a very particular memory from when I was 17; I wonder what others think about when they see the sunset.

    The world that I have the blessing of living my life in is a planet that has brought new joy to my life daily. Regardless of how many bad interactions I might have with others in my life, the beauty of Earth is a never-ending and forever-changing gift to the universe and all that inhabit it. Small things can be so fascinating and can add to the joy that one could get out of life, such as curiosity about someone else's perception of the world. While part of me understands that the Earth itself is not a living breathing creature like you or me, I do believe that it is continuously communicating with us. The Earth doesn't use the forms of communication typical for any animal which makes it easy to overlook the message it is trying to pass on. The Earth communicates with every conscious being with a voice void of language that transcends our definition of communication. The Earth speaks to us with the sound of the wind blowing through trees in a forest and the sky painted with brilliant purples and blues as the sun moves on to show love to the opposite side of the world. Through each overwhelming message from the Earth, there is one overall theme: Unconditional love. We enter this world and are immediately blanketed with the warmth of love from two mothers, our own and the Earth. From that day forward, we are shown love in various ways from many different places in our life. While our relationships with certain people may change and the love that was previously there might be a distant memory, the love from the Earth never wavers. By simply sitting outside in the grass we can feel the love from the Earth and take comfort in it.

    There are a lot of things that plague my mind and cause me to feel depressed, many of which I've talked about in previous posts. One thing that I am always confident will be there for me is the beautiful world around me. I've always had a fascination with taking pictures as if there has always been a subconscious need to capture the beauty that I see before me before it goes away. Most things that I view in my life I view as something temporary, which isn't necessarily true but it's a thought that lingers more than most. As I get older though, I realize that the pictures I've taken of the Earth have not lost any amount of beauty and I get more joy in showing my personal view of the world to those around me. The moments in time that I capture with my camera hold so much meaning that I wish to share with others that communicating through means of words or music has taken a backseat. Through my camera, I'm able to communicate with others using the Earth as my instrument. While I'm sure some may overlook the messages that I could possibly get across through my photographs, they are not the people I am taking those photographs for. The people in my life that whom I wish to share these things will understand and that is part of why I continue to take pictures. Another part of why is that it has deepened my understanding and appreciation for the world around me. With each passing day, I find more beauty in the universe and am more confident that my life is my own. The unfathomable beauty of the Earth is the most organic form of communication that existed long before the first word was spoken, and yet changes from person to person based on their own perception of the world. I don't think I will ever be able to fully understand how the world looks in someone else's eyes but I do honestly believe that through paintings and photographs of the Earth we can see how others see the reality that we share. The world that I live in will never cease to impress me and remind me that it is genuinely a blessing to simply be alive. Being alive is not even something our human brain is able to comprehend, as shown by the dozens of religions trying to explain it to some degree. Each day is full of magical things that I am not able to understand, and I will continue to look out onto the Earth's incomprehensible beauty with joy and wonder about what is to come. I believe that as I understand and experience more of the world around me, I will take steps to be closer to living my existence in the way that it was intended alongside those in my life that I adore.