Countless times I have found myself picking apart everything about myself. There is probably no aspect of my being that is free from my judgmental thoughts. I analyze how my relationships with others progress, romantic or platonic, and I find myself endlessly changing. No matter what, I can't believe the idea that there might be nothing wrong with me. The concept of being enough as I am is not something that computes with my understanding of the world. Up until this point in my life, I have taught myself that things are the way that they are because of something having to do with me. Let's say a friend and I have a falling out; regardless of what circumstances led to the following out, I am going to understand that the blame lands on me even though it doesn't. It's hard to describe these thoughts but they aren't thoughts that I am a bad friend or a bad person, but rather that I am not worthy of being considered on the same level of existence as others. If I had to put it into words, I believe that if something goes wrong then there is some cosmic force influenced by my aura that caused that thing to happen. While I know none of this is genuinely true and I don't believe it to that extent, it still has an impact on how I view myself and navigate through my relationships and life.

   Ever since I was young, I was changing things about myself to better fit the view of "me" that others had, even though most of the time it was a bland caricature of the real me. Honestly, I have played the part that I believed I was given by others for so long that it's difficult to separate the act from the self. Maybe the distinction between the two doesn't matter and by acting out what I believe to be the me that others see me as I embody that and turn the act into my real self but I can't believe that. I believe that I have trapped a majority of myself inside to avoid being hurt and having to face what my reality genuinely is like. The worst part about all of this is not how I shoot myself in the foot by doing this but it's the fact that my reality is not that bad. Bad things happen to everyone; something I've gotten to understand on a very deep level. The only difference between understanding that and how I live my life is that I allow those things to suffocate me. It doesn't matter if it's something as big as getting in an accident or something as small as losing something insignificant, to me it all feels as though my world is collapsing in on itself. This feeling is then exacerbated by my self-hatred and all of my problems are then projected onto myself. What could have been a slight inconvenience I allow to become my god. I believe that beginning to heal from this starts with the self. To live a better life where I feel as though I have a life full of love and adventure, I have to start with learning to let go of the things I hold myself against myself. In the end, the only person that will be with me will be myself. It's the same way for each and every human but some of us don't want to face those facts and would instead live life afraid of coming face to face with ourselves.

   Recently, I watched a show called The Midnight Gospel and it was phenomenal. Honestly, to use the word phenomenal feels like an insult. It was one of the best pieces of art that I have seen in quite some time. It opened doors to new concepts and new ideas to adopt into my life in order to better it and I am so thankful. My only wish is that I had watched it sooner! Throughout the show, we are shown themes of self-love and connecting to the world and those around us. We are shown that a lot of us don't stop and think "maybe I'm fine, just as I am." Throughout all the chances to myself that I've made, what if the only change I needed to make was to my view of myself? I don't have to be proud of myself to anyone because I am enough as I am and I've always been enough and I will always be enough. These are words I've begun to repeat to myself often. It's probably the hardest thing to come to believe, for me at least, but as I make my way to genuinely believing that I am worthy of love simply because I am alive, I find myself reaching a future where I might look back and be proud of myself for reaching. It's very difficult to attempt to navigate relationships with others when you refuse to even begin to form one with yourself. Not only do I believe that this concept should be applied to the self, but I believe that it should also be applied to points in life. If someone asked me if I liked where I lived, I would probably make some joke about how it's better than nothing but honestly, it's amazing. It's amazing that I have a roof over my head and a room to decorate as my own. It is beyond amazing that every day I wake up and get to pet my beautiful cat and look outside my window at the trees wet with dew every morning. Just to be alive is amazing and yet even though I experienced some of the worst things I could have experienced growing up, I have grounded myself here, where I am right now. Nothing is wrong with where I am in life and having goals is a good thing, but that doesn't mean you should turn your back from appreciating the beauty of the life you currently hold. "Things could always be better." What if things are fine as they are? What if things don't have to be better? Life is hard and will put you through things you never could have imagined, but it is also kind and you see its beauty every second of every day.

   I've been thinking about writing about this for quite some time and I'm happy I finally set aside some time to get the words out of my brain. I have so much love that I want to give out to the world and for the first time, I think I'm ready to receive it from myself. I don't need to change parts of what makes this body and life mine, I need to fall in love with them. Each time I do something that I might find embarrassing or silly, I need to try to look at myself from an outside perspective. Life is what you make of it so why am I stuck making my life so awful? I can blame the reason I've landed my life where it is on mental illness and factors derived from my childhood but in the end, I'm in absolute control of how I look at my life and self. There is nothing wrong with me and I will keep telling myself this until one day I truly believe it. Life is beautiful and where I currently am is exactly where I should be. Maybe in the future, my life will change and my home will become the home of someone else and all the memories I've made here will wash away into the pure white of the walls and be forgotten. Just because something is temporary does not take away any meaning from it, I've talked about this previously on this blog. As I write this, I sit in my chair at my desk and I take each breath with intention. I am right where I need to be and I don't need to be worrying about a reality that doesn't exist. The overthinking thoughts that I allow to crowd my mind are nothing but that, thoughts. They are part of me, but they hold no weight.


   Thank you for reading this post! This post means a lot to me and I'm very proud of myself for finally getting my thoughts out there. I've been at a loss when it comes to motivation to do a lot of things anymore and I'm not sure why. I think it might have to do with the immense amount of pressure work has been putting me under along with the emotional drain of other factors in my life. I've become burnt out. I'm not sure when the next time I will get a break from my busy life, but I look forward to it whenever it is. For now, I will just sit in the moment and do things I enjoy. Speaking of things I enjoy, I know I mentioned in my last post some of my art, specifically my music, and I bring good news! I have released two new songs, one that I'm extremely proud of. I'm still an amateur at song production but I am slowly getting the hang of the FL Studio and all its functionalities. I also made a Bandcamp to have easier access to my songs as I release them as I prefer its layout to SoundCloud's, though I will continue to post songs on SoundCloud as well. Buying is unnecessary as I have allowed each song to have an infinite number of free listens but I am very grateful if you decide to! Please enjoy and I hope February was an enjoyable month for you all!

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